


do not let me awake alone

by nicolorenaldigenovia



Series: my love, we still have much we can learn [1]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Found Family, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Blood, Mild Gore, Misunderstandings, Post-Canon, kaysanova
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:33:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25697365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicolorenaldigenovia/pseuds/nicolorenaldigenovia
Summary: After Booker’s betrayal, Joe is angry and Nicky suffers through the fallout. And for the the first time in a long time, Nicky understands what it's like to be alone in his grief.And something inside him breaks.---Now with sequel:'my love for him kills any anger'
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: my love, we still have much we can learn [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1872499
Comments: 24
Kudos: 801





	do not let me awake alone

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't get this out of my head. 
> 
> Please heed the warnings. This is based solely on the movie, as I've not read the comic books.

It hits about two weeks afterwards.

Or maybe, it’s been hitting for much longer than that, and Joe had just decided to stay silent about it. And that’s never a good thing. Nicky’s been here before, and in their long years together, it’s his least favourite thing about the man he loves.

Except this time, it feels a little different.

“What’s up with him?”

Nicky blinks and looks up at Nile, just as she turns her head back from the balcony. She’s staring at him with worried eyes, her face imploring. In the short time he’s known her, it’s clear that this young woman is kind and caring in the midst of all she’s been through. There’s a pang of hurt in his chest when he remembers that this part of her may eventually fade as the years go by and their time on earth starts to feel like a cruel joke.

The thought immediately crosses to Booker and it hurts.

They’ve been on different pages, when it came to him.

Nile moves and her hand goes gently at top of his as she turns her head again. Then he follows her gaze as she looks out the balcony, at Joe whose back is turned, taut and stiff. Nicky gulps and when he turns back to Nile, her eyebrows are furrowed.

“You’re shaking. Are you alright?” she whispers, and Nicky wants to shake his head, and tell her no. No, he’s not alright. Not since Booker left, not even since they’ve been tricked by Copley and it had played with his emotions. Not since Joe stopped talking to him about what he’s truly feeling, because that’s not right. Joe always knows what to say. Always. That’s never changed. Even when he would hide his emotions, he would talk.

But apparently, no matter how long it’s been, no matter how tired, things can still change, even for them. And that makes his heart ache so much that he feels like he might die from it.

Is it truly possible? Booker told him after his son screamed and yelled at him for not loving him as he laid dying, that falling asleep with such a weight on his chest felt like he was dying of a broken heart, again and again.

To know that the feeling had lasted long after Nicky stopped asking him if he was alright, that he suffered to the point of betraying them makes him feel so ill.

Could he have done something?

Instead, Nicky smiles, and turns his palm over, and squeezes Nile’s hand, gently kissing her forehead before he can help it. She leans into it, smiling minutely.

“I’m always alright, Nile,” he says. Then he hums, sitting back, trying not to look out the balcony again. “Are you exploring again today?” he asks, and Nile’s eyes shine with excitement.

They got into Paris two days ago, as per Andy’s request after she’s recovered in London. Well, somewhat recovered. She should still take it easy. Nile had been excited about the request, and Nicky’s chest warms when he remembers how Andy smiled at her reaction, in such a way that he hasn’t seen in a long time.

Nile’s wonder and kindness are doing amazing things to Andy and her newfound mortality.

They found this place, big enough for all them to have their own quarters, with no future jobs, no future plans until they’re ready to go to Copley.

It’s meant to be their home, for now.

“Andy’s coming with me today!” Nile exclaims, and Nicky blinks.

“Oh Nicky, don’t look so shock now.”

Nicky snorts and turns to find Andy walking out of her room in casual clothing, looking relaxed and happy. She looks like a woman who’s just going out to shop, instead of someone who is out to take a mark down. But Nicky knows there’s at least three weapons on her still, atop her own skills.

“I’m not shocked, Andy,” he says, smiling at him. “I’m happy for you,” he admits, as Nile meets Andy halfway, and he watches as older woman wraps her arm around her shoulders immediately, eyes still on Nicky. Then, she squeezes Nile, and looks at her.

“Get your things?” she asks, and Nile nods, giving Nicky a smile before leaving to her room. Nicky stares at Andy then as she walks over, taking both of his hands, frowning. Then she glances at the balcony and swears under her breath, squeezing his hands. Her touch is warm, but maybe it’s because his own hands a clammy, heart beating harshly in his chest.

“Talk,” Andy whispers to him. “Okay? Don’t let this…fester,” she says, before smiling and hugging him tight. Nicky closes his eyes then and sighs, pressing his face on her shoulder.

“Don’t be like me. Don’t be like Book,” she whispers, and Nicky feels tears come unbidden but he doesn’t let them fall.

“It’s alright to hurt, Andy. Just like it’s alright for Booker to hurt,” he says, and he feels Andy’s breath hitch as she pulls away. She stares into his eyes as he feels her frame his face in one of her hands, sighing.

“Talk, please,” she whispers, and Nicky gulps, blinking and Andy’s just wiping at his cheeks as the tears start to fall.

“It’s not me,” Nicky gasps out, just as Nile comes out of her room. Nicky wipes the rest of his tears and clears his throat, smiling at the two women, Andy’s eyes narrowing towards the balcony now. Towards Joe.

“Andy,” he says sharply, and she turns to him. “Have a great day. Are you going to show Nile your favourite spots?” he says, and Andy nods softly then, turning to Nile with a gentle smile.

“We’ll be back by evening,” she says, nodding to Nicky after a moment, before leading Nile to the door.

Nicky hears the door click and he sighs, closing his eyes. The sound of his beating heart rings in his ears and he takes a deep breath. He lets it out slowly. He does this a few times, before opening his eyes and turning to the balcony.

Joe’s staring at him, jacket in hand. Nicky frowns.

“Joe?” he whispers, watching his partner’s face as he stares at him, eyes sad. Then Joe shakes his head, and heads to the door, walking past Nicky without another word, gesture or affection. When the door clicks open and close and for the second time that day, he wonders if he can die of heartbreak.

\---

Nicky moves when an hour passes and it’s clear that Joe’s not coming back like he had hoped he would. They’ve fought before, started their whole lives fighting, killing each other. Again and again. But when it had stopped, when their world changed and they became one, the thought of fighting with Joe, instead of fighting for him or with him makes Nicky weep like no other.

He stands from the kitchen counter where he remained sitting the entire time, and moves to the couch. When he leans back on it, the tears start anew and this time, he doesn’t hold back. Nicky lets the sorrow wash over him, and he wraps his arms around himself, shaking from the force it of it all. He screams wordlessly, and lets it crawl into his heart and pull it apart, like nothing could ever bring it back together again.

And he holds himself, because for the first time in a long time that he never wants to remember, Joe is not there to hold him. Not there to make him feel better.

Instead, he’s the cause of the pain and it hurts so much, and he’s so tired.

And he’s viscerally reminded again and again that a long life can never really just be a happy life. Even with Joe at his side, he had been low. He had wondered why he kept waking up and hoped that one day he’d never do so. His only regret every time the thought would cross his mind is that he would leave Joe behind, because he would never do so.

Even though Joe has no troubles walking away from him, and leaving him in his pain.

And yet, he’s never attempted it. But the thought doesn’t sit well with Nicky. No. He probably has, he just doesn’t remember it any longer.

Nicky gasps, and opens his eyes, his hand sliding shakily towards the gun tucked on his side, and can’t help but chuckle. It’s amazing what this kind of pain can do to him. The amount of sacrifices he’s made, the amount of tears he’s swallowed and not let anyone see, cultivating into this one moment alone.

Did Booker do this too? Is that why he drank so much? The whole time he had been alone and felt that he had no one except his grief. How about Andy?

They both liked to travel alone while Joe and Nicky had each other. Nicky knows now that this is untrue. They didn’t like it, they just felt like they had no choice.

Because Joe and Nicky had each other. And they had their own grief.

A sob bubbles through him and he shakes his head. He should’ve done more to make them feel like they weren’t so alone. Maybe then they wouldn’t be here. He clutches the gun tighter in his hand and makes a decision. He stands from the couch and stumbles his way towards his gear and grabs the silencer. He wants to call Joe, he wants him at his side to talk to him. To say anything.

But instead he’s alone. Nicky shakes his head and makes his way to the bathroom he shares with Joe. He doesn’t want Andy and Nile coming home to any of this.

He thinks of Booker, all alone. He thinks of the many times he’s seen him after Joe and him would leave for days, months and years at a time, and he’d always greet them with a smile after a quick swig from his flask. And how Booker’s been at his spot many times before, thinking no one would understand.

Only for Nicky to understand quite clearly, now that Booker’s gone and he has nothing but his grief.

And he’s desperate to get rid of such feeling, and no guilt settles in his chest this time when he sits and cocks the gun at the ready.

\---

Nicky repeats the act twice.

And twice, he wakes up alone, staring at the tiles of the wall in front of him.

Nicky doesn’t remember the last time he’s woken up alone after dying. Joe has always been there, either still waking and he’d wait, or already cradling his face and kissing him lovingly as he takes his first breath.

For Joe not to be here right now, Nicky can honestly say that this pain is more unimaginable that the many he’s felt before.

He’s sitting against the tub, blood and sinew sprayed on the ceilings. His hands are covered in it as well, still shaking, and there’s two bullets on the floor, each on either side of him. For a moment, his head aches, and the wound on the underside of his jaw stings.

He feels the wounds stitch, his brain rearrange itself until his vision comes back to normal. Until the ringing stops. And he sits there, in the stench of his own blood, covered in his own skin that had fallen off from the force of the bullet ripping through his skull.

And yet still nothing takes away from the pain in his chest, his heart clawing back to life just for another lifetime’s worth of heart break.

He’s not even sure if he really wanted to die, or just wanted to relive the pressure by letting the blood spew from his head as he blows it open.

It’s funny how reckless one can be when you cannot die.

Nicky’s crying before he can stop himself, but this time he’s silent, closing his eyes and letting the gun fall on the floor, still in his grip and just lets the pain overtake him for a moment. He lets himself wallow because he’s worked hard to understand people’s actions and motivations his whole life.

Joe most of all. So, he understands…he understands that Joe just needs time.

He just needs time, and that’s why he’s left, that’s why he’s walked away. That’s why there’s no words, and as much as it pains him to think about, he knows that Joe is more susceptible to this than he is.

But right now, Nicky feels unearthed. And he hates it so much, because no matter how much he understands all of this, he’s still here, having done what he’s done.

And when he hears the door click, the guilt sinks itself deep into Nicky’s chest and he gulps. He closes his eyes then, and just listens to the footsteps. It’s quiet, so he knows it’s Joe. It’s too early for Nile and Andy to be back already, and they would be talking.

Nile is a curious, young, and Andy is wise and slowly coming back to what it’s like to feel, wholeheartedly. So Nicky would hear her voice too.

Instead the footsteps come closer and he knows for sure it’s Joe, coming into the bedroom. Nicky hears him stop at the door, and knows, hopes, he’s looking for him.

Then the bathroom door opens, and the footsteps quicken and there’s familiar hands on him, framing his face.

“Oh fuck, Nicky!”

Nicky opens his eyes and finds Joe staring at him with large, fearful eyes. But it doesn’t matter, because Joe’s back and he’s speaking to him, holding him. He smiles, even as tears stream down his cheeks. Joe pulls him then, wraps his arms around him, and Nicky sighs, pressing his face into the crook of his neck.

When Joe takes him into his arms fully, Nicky holds on and wraps his arms around Joe’s neck as carries him in his arms, he lifts him gently into the tub, and soon, the actions are familiar and Nicky basks in it.

Joe strips him of his clothes and starts the water. Then Joe gets in and he’s equally naked, and he starts the slow and gentle process of bathing Nicky of his actions. He leans into every touch, closing his eyes as he listens to the running water, lets himself feel every gentle slide of Joe’s calloused hands against his skin as the smell of blood slowly dissipates under the clean smell of soap and warm water.

Their legs intertwined with each other, pulled close and intimate and Nicky allows himself to get lost in the safety that he feels, and hopes that it’ll soon drown the sadness in his heart.

He opens his eyes when he feels the hand in his hair, forcing himself to relax. The last time someone had a hand in his hair, the barrel of a gun quickly followed, shoved into his mouth before darkness fell quick. He knows it’s Joe, his beloved Yusuf, and still he flinches the slightest and the love of his life’s eyes sadden, his hands pausing.

“It’s just me, Nicolo,” Joe whispers, and Nicky nods, taking a deep breath, the steam lightening the heavy feeling in his chest.

“I know,” he whispers, and his voice sounds raw as he stares at Joe’s face. It’s nice, to open his eyes and see his face again.

“I don’t remember the last time I woke back up and you weren’t holding me,” he admits, and Joe’s face crumples then and he’s sobbing. His hands fall from Nicky’s hair, and he pulls Nicky close, sobbing into his neck.

“Please forgive me, my love,” Joe whispers against his skin and Nicky feels his own tears restart. Or keep going. He can’t remember anymore.

“What have I done?” he asks, staring at the tiles in front of him, his arms gently wrapping around Joe as the man holds him, shaking. His own palms slide against Joe’s back, leaning in to press his cheek against Joe’s shoulder.

“Why won’t you talk to me? Why did you leave?”

The words come out choked from Nicky’s lips, eyes sliding close once again. He feels exhausted, after saying it, like he’s accepted defeat in a way that settled into his bones.

“Everything’s changed.”

Nicky’s eyes snap open and the pain in his heart is piercing. He pulls away, away abruptly, the water splashing around them and Joe looks confused, staring at him, hurt and angry.

Oh.

“Oh,” he whispers, looking down.

Joe’s not lying. Everything has changed. Booker’s gone. Andy’s immortality is in question. And they now have Nile.

He just never thought it’d also mean them.

Except it did. Since Joe shook his head and refused to talk when he was clearly so angry. When he turned away from his touch when they were in bed that first night they got back to their apartment in London. When he’d awake from sleep to find the bed empty already.

He thinks of the past two weeks and feels like a fool. Things have changed, and Nicky’s just been left behind, and he didn’t even know it.

Nicky tries to swallow his pain, tears streaming down his cheeks as he looks up and stares at Joe, as he steadily looks confused.

“Nicolo,” he starts, putting a hand on his shoulder and he flinches, taking a deep breath.

“I guess…even in this long life, you still can surprise me, Yusuf,” he whispers, and Joe frowns.

“What?”

Nicky laughs weakly. This man is leaving him, and yet he still can’t stand leaving him so lost and confused. So he meets his gaze and shrugs, moving as he curls his legs towards himself, sliding away from Joe and wrapping his arms around them.

“I’d like to spend a day with Nile in Paris at least, then I’ll leave,” he starts, and Joe blinks.

“Leave?” he asks, incredulous, and something petty and angry shoots through the pain in his chest.

“Yes,” he hisses out, shaking his head. “I won’t let you leave me behind.”

Joe shakes his head and suddenly he’s scrambling forward, getting on his knees and moving close to him, taking his face in his hands once again.

“Nicky, what in the fucking world are you talking about?” he says and Nicky can’t take it, a sob escaping him.

“I won’t let you leave me behind!” he says again, and this time, he’s yelling, trying to pull away and Joe won’t let him, grabbing him in his arms, and Nicky kicks out, struggling hard.

They’ve been like this before, but it’s been a while, and the fight’s not really in him. Joe wins, and it leaves Nicky sobbing in his arms, head bowed while Joe wraps his arms around him from behind, holding him close. The water continues, and the steam should overwhelm, but it doesn’t.

“I am not going to leave you,” Joe whispers into his ear and Nicky scoffs.

“So what’s been the past two weeks then? My imagination? Pardon the blood on the wall, it’s clearly an overreaction,” he hisses, and Joe shakes his head.

“I deserved that,” Joe whispers, sighing against his hair. “I hurt you so much you shot yourself,” he moans out, and Nicky doesn’t have to see to know that he’s crying.

“Two times,” he mutters, feeling exhausted. “Didn’t work the first time.”

“Fuck, Nicky,” Joe whimpers. “I am so sorry I hurt you, my love.”

“Why? Just tell me why?”

“E—Everything’s changed—”

“You’ve said,” he mutters, and Joe squeezes him gently, pressing his face in his hair.

“I was overwhelmed, and angry at Booker. I was so angry at him for doing what he did, and now Andy’s immortality’s gone…I became afraid,” Joe whispers against his ear and Nicky sighs, closing his eyes.

“I know all of this, Joe,” he mutters, after a moment. “But you’ve always told me, let me help you. But instead you pulled away, and you’ve left me. You haven’t talked me. I know we live to the extreme, but I thought we were done with death foreplay,” he says, and he sounds bitter and upset and he knows it. He lets himself feel it this time.

Joe’s arms tighten around him. “I was angry.”

“At Booker,” he whispers, and Joe’s breath hitches. That’s when it sinks in.

“Ah, there it is,” Nicky whispers, smirking slightly even though he continues to cry. It’s amazing how he can feel so much grief one minute, and so much anger the next. “You’re angry at me.”

Again, Joe doesn’t say or do anything except tighten his arms around him. “You wanted him to stay with us,” Nicky hears, after a moment. “After all he’s done, after what’s been done to you, to me, you still wanted him to stay with us.”

“That’s not true,” Nicky mutters, opening his eyes tiredly. Then he sits up in the tub, and looks back at Joe.

“You wanted a quarter of what he was given!” Joe hisses and Nicky narrows his eyes at him.

“And you wanted forever,” he bites back. “You wanted a man who was so desperate to die to live a life of immortality alone. It’s clear that he is struggling, has been struggling and we’ve done _nothing_ to help him.”

Joe scoffs, shaking his head and running his hands through his own hair in frustration. “Nicolo,” he breathes out, but says nothing else.

“He’s right, you know? He was right. We’ve always had each other. When we left our beliefs, left our religion, and spiraled out of what we were taught to believe, we had each other to keep us together while our minds and hearts pulled us apart from the inside,” Nicky gasps out.

If he tries hard enough, he remembers those early days. The years they spent killing each other eventually sliding into one of friendship and love was stark with the pain of losing who they thought they were as people. Slowly they lost their sense of self and had to start anew, and they had each other the entire time, rebuilding their souls from its ruins.

“Booker had no one. He lost everyone,” Nicky mutters, and Joe shakes his head fiercely.

“It doesn’t matter! That doesn’t matter!” he yells and Nicky glares at him.

“How come, Joe? Of course it matters!” Nicky spits out. Having Joe walk away from him for two weeks was enough to make him so alone that he did what he did, he can’t even imagine what Booker had been going through right under their noses.

Joe visibly fumes, shaking his head.

Nicky takes a deep breath then, staring at him. “Joe—” he starts, but the man before him growls, slamming his fist against the tub.

“You got _hurt_ because of him, Nicolo!” he yells. “They took us and they hurt us, and they treated us like property, like _animals_ that they could own,” he chokes out. “You were hurt, again and again and when Kaine shot you, when he hurt you and I…”

Joe bows his head then, hands in his hair, sighing shakily. There’s pain and sorrow draped on his shoulders like an embrace that’s not meant to comfort, but mock. Nicky stares at him, slumping slightly as well.

“I can’t have him around you, I can’t trust him not to get desperate enough again to not betray us again. I can’t have him hurt you again,” Joe whispers and his hands are scrambling for his and they’re squeezing gently, desperately, and Nicky feels the fight leave him.

Almost.

“He didn’t,” Nicky whispers. “Because I knew no matter what, you’d be with me. I’d come out of it alive and hurting and you’d be there to make it feel better.”

He feels Joe stiffen against him at his words, looking into his eyes now and the pain claws through his heart again relentlessly.

“I’ve been hurt before, multiple times. You know this, because you were _always_ by my side. So no amount of betrayal from Booker would hurt me so. Because you’d be there for me and I won’t be alone, and I’d never, ever feel his desperation,” he continues, closing his eyes. Then he squeezes Joe’s hands, before letting them go.

Then he opens his eyes, staring into Joe’s eyes, before leaning in and kissing him gently, and tears come to his eyes because it feels wrong. It feels so wrong. He pulls away, gulping.

“But I guess I’ve been wrong in my assumption. Things have indeed changed,” Nicky whispers, biting his lip and sliding his gaze away, looking at the water, and the fight leaves him completely.

“Nicolo, no,” Joe whispers, and his hands are on him, and Nicky flinches before he can help it, the water splashing around them. But Joe doesn’t relent, he never does. He puts his hands on him, wraps an arm around him and tries to pull him close.

“You are my love and my light and you are a fool to think otherwise,” Joe whispers and Nicky shakes in his hold, closing his eyes.

“I’m not a fool, Joe,” he mutters tiredly, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I felt alone,” he whispers. “Please do not mock my pain.”

Joe’s arms tighten around him and he feels a kiss on his forehead.

“My apologies my love,” Joe whispers and he sounds choked up as well. “I’m so sorry. I adore you, I love you and I am sorry for walking away. I let my anger take hold of me, and I left you. It wasn’t fair of me,” he whispers, and Nicky shakes his head.

“It wasn’t,” he whispers. Nicky brings his hands up and wraps them around Joe’s arms around him and leans back against him, shivering in his hold. “I felt so alone,” he moans out, leaning into Joe’s touch as he kisses his shoulder, sighing.

“I’m sorry Nicky. I will apologize until I have no breath if it means you’ll even think of forgiving me,” Joe whispers and Nicky lets his words melt over him, protect him and it feels like the familiar safety that he’s been craving for the past two weeks.

“It’s been so long since I’ve felt this alone,” Nicky mutters, sighing. “Is this how Booker felt like? Is that why he betrayed us?”

Joe stiffens. “Nicolo…you’re not alone. Not while I still breathe,” he whispers and Nicky wants to tell him he’s wrong, that he’s lying because he had been alone the past two weeks. But he’s incredibly tired and does not want to go in circles.

Instead he leans against Joe and sighs when he moves him in his arms, holding him close from behind and cradling him. He feels a kiss on his shoulder, on his neck and he leans back and allows the kisses to continue, sighing at the feeling.

“You’re never alone my love. For me to let you believe this for so long is a sin and I am forever sorrowful,” Joe whispers against his skin and Nicky doesn’t say anything. Not for a long while, as he feels Joe’s hands on him, and he shivers, pressing close.

“Don’t let me awake alone,” he whispers, after a moment, gasping softly when Joe tightens his arms around him, opening his eyes and staring up at him.

“I always woke up from death to see your face. Please don’t ever let me wake up alone again, no matter how angry you are,” he begs and Joe kisses him then, deeply, and Nicky moans into it.

“Please, please Yusuf,” he gasps, tears coming to his eyes and he feels him nod, Joe pressing his face against his neck and kissing his pulse.

“I won’t ever, my heart,” Joe whispers, and Nicky sighs.

“Don’t let me be alone in my grief. There’s nothing crueler, I know that now. And I never want to know it again,” he mutters and Joe’s movements pause for a second, before he’s kissing him again and Nicky allows himself to fall, trusting that Joe will be there to catch him, forever and more.

\---

The next morning, Nicky opens his eyes to the feeling of Joe’s hand in his hair. He leans into his touch, and gives him a smile when the man looks down at him, sitting up in bed with his sketchbook in hand.

“Good morning,” Nicky whispers, and smiles when Joe responds by leaning in and kissing him gently.

“I love you,” Joe whispers, sliding back under the covers and pulling him close, before pulling him into another kiss. Nicky lets go then and melts into it, sighing softly.

When they pull away, Joe stares at him for a long moment, before leaning in and kissing his forehead.

“I’ll be making breakfast today. The girls got back late last night, so they’re still asleep,” he whispers, and Nicky nods, staring at him as he stands from the bed, eyes trailing all over his naked form.

“Must you?” Nicky whispers, and Joe smiles at him over his shoulder, walking to the dresser and grabbing a pair of slacks to put on. He keeps his back turned as he does, before grabbing his watch and turning towards him, sitting back on the bed. Nicky sits up then and wraps his arms around him, the sheets sliding off him.

Joe smiles and kissing his cheek, grabbing his sketchbook. Then he turns to a blank page, if not for a few quick scribbles, already dated and timed for the day like always. He blinks a little at the time.

“You’ve been awake since dawn?” he mutters, and Joe shrugs, taking the page and ripping it from the book. It’s rare for Joe to have none drawn after a few hours of being awake. Nicky watches as Joe hands him the paper then, and he takes it, frowning.

He looks up to find Joe smiling at him, and kissing him softly.

“I love you,” he whispers, framing his face as he does, his thumbs stroking the apples of his cheeks, and Nicky sees his eyes flickering all over his face.

“Joe?” he whispers, still holding the sheet of paper and his love just smiles, kissing him again, so deeply.

“Just taking in how lucky I am to have you. The world, and everyone in it, should be grateful,” he says, pulling away and nodding to the sheet.

“Tell that bastard I said so,” Joe adds, before walking away from the bed, and exiting the room. Nicky blinks, and finally looks down at the paper.

It takes a second to hit, before he laughs softly, shaking his head as tears spring to his eyes. He traces the words, and the numbers on the paper, and then grabs his phone from the bedside table, shakily entering the number.

There’s an answer after two rings, and Nicky closes his eyes when he hears a familiar laugh, sounding incredulous and hurt and disbelieving as he hears his own name said as a form of greeting.

_“I thought he was fucking with me,”_ the voice gasps out and Nicky snorts, tearily.

Joe’s right.

He’d been a fool to think that Joe doesn’t love him. That he’s too stubborn to understand. He clutches the phone tighter and breathes out, tears splashing against the sheet of paper in his hand.

And counts himself the lucky one.

“Hello, Booker.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please see the new sequel: ['my love for him kills any anger'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25738393)


End file.
